I love how people on tumblr gives back love when you gave them one. One day I was bored, and I decided to send messages to my new followers. thecrazyfilipino's answer caught my attention most. She's really cute (no homo) and a lot people love's her eyes. Some of her followers even liked my message. So I guess I did a pretty good job. ^_^

No Time For Drama

It just kills me everytime I helped someone and they'll end up better.

This curse started when I was a kid. When my cousin asked my help by teaching her how to wear proper clothes. She didn't have much knowledge for fashion yet. And since I'm two years older, I did helped her, knowing it was a good thing to do. Few days later, her mom bought bunch of new clothes and some of them were EXACTLY like mine. I got upset. My mom wouldn't buy me numerous clothes for it's a waste of money. I don't have any choice but to forget it.

Years gone by. And my curse just kept on happening.

It's like living in a world full of jealousy and disappointments.

I know, I don't have to take this kind of stuff seriously. It's not like I own this kind of problem myself. But you can't blame me for such attitude i'm in to right now. Iv'e put a lot of effort on my words and shits but still it wasn't good enough. I need to find myself and see what i'm good at. I'm now 18 and I still don't know my worth. For those people who never encounter such pride-swallowing situation, you are fortunate. I envy you, A LOT.

Once again my self-reverence has drop down to it's worst level. And everytime this happens, my food consumption epically rises without thinking of the ugly outcome of my action. That's right, food. It's the only thing at the moment that keeps me away from misery. The more I tried, the more failures I get. Sometimes I thought of this as a reversed blessing. The absolution started when i was born, then now it's on its way to hell.

But now that I'm getting older each day, I have to set my mind to a mature level. It's time to end the drama and to cut this pride loose. Pour down all disappointments and I'm sure I'll be your one hell of a fan. I'm just saying. I think it's time to open myself to much greater opportunity. Gotta set aside old, pointless and unfinished thoughts. Now all I wanna do is to break free to the wilderness of judgments. So, FAIL ME ALL YOU WANT, and I'd welcome you with my deepest and sincerest piece of appreciation. :)

I don't even have the guts to share this on FB

Just this morning I saw a video on tumblr. A video of a girl describing herself. I find her inspiring, with her braveness telling her flaws and her negative aspects. Her description of herself was never far from mine. And since I just started this blog on April 2010, I might as well be open for my readers (if i have some :( )

So hello guys. I'm "Lady nonexistence".

Pretty much not like those average girls.

I have thousands of flaws.

A lot of people, yes a lot of them, have been accusing me that I'm gay. But the fact is, I'm not. They badly want me to have a boyfriend so that they'd stop accusing for such a thing. I don't like having one either. But I'm never close to possibilities. Anyway~

I don't wear heels, I wear glasses, and wearing skirts, tank tops or colorful make up is never on my list-to-do. It's senseless.

I listen to hardrock songs, alternative rock or even screamos, but i do listens to some RnB's, acoustics and pop just to keep me updated to the other world.

I am terribly AWKWARD. I only survive talking to someone for like 5 minutes, and after that, I'm completely blanked out. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not good at verbal communications.

I am not intelligent. Failing grades are my buddies. Nuff said.

My physical appearance is a disappointment. I don't have long shiny hair that other girls have. I am not even a size zero. Coz I eat a lot (and I don't see any problem with that). Beauty seemed to have turned it's back on me. But I don't care. It's not that I'm bragging or anything, but I do have some suitors.

But despite these flaws and negativity, I still got my friend/s.

No, maybe I just have one... two... or three but there's just there. (zero cheeziness)

And I'm thankful that I don't have any haters....yet. But maybe I do have some. Just stalking around and secretly planning something evil against me.

But I hope not. I'm trying to be as approachable and less loner as I can possibly be.

With all these uninteresting characters, it's just made me more numb and stronger each day.

I don't need all the good stuffs just to make myself feel good. Even if sometimes it wakes my tears at night (no I am not fragile). I'm still me. And no one can change that except Him.

Ghostly Poem

Once upon a time, there was you and me,

It started with a "hi" and then there was "we".

It was great, you and I, we were unexpectedly awesome,

We can't even tell where this feeling's coming from.

So we walked, we talked all day long,

We laughed, we sang our favorite song.

Each day was fun, there was never a problem,

Isn't it perfect?..this is really something.

But came one night, as i was walking in the dark,

Alone, in a cold gloomy street without a spark.

Young man in a corner hit me with a knife,

Bloody event that ruined my precious life.

Now I am nothing but a single memory,

Our adventure has now ended for you and me.

The life we thought that was priceless and perfect,

Has now come to an end from an unfortunate tragic.

Thank you for the time we've spent, you were a blessing,

And I'm sorry if I left, you don't deserve this ending.

Farewell for now, my time has arrived,

But I'm pretty sure dear we'll soon meet on the other side.

ANGEL

As i was on my way inside the school, i saw a girl who's sitting on a waiting shed. She was so quiet that she heard all kinds of steps as random people passed her. But none of them saw her. Like a lost invisible soul waiting to be found. Despite this, i saw her smiled at me. Like problem is nowhere in her vocabulary. So i started walking towards her. But as i stepped closer, her face started to gloom. So i stopped. Maybe she finds me annoying so i went inside the school anyway.

Soon the class was over, and i was hoping to see the girl i just saw that morning. Excited, I went out of the school immediately. But she's already gone. Not a single trace of her was found. But wait, I noticed something was left. I went closer to the waiting shed where the mysterious girl sat. It was a big notebook. Like some sort of diary. I assumed it was the girl who owns it. Little did i know it may have belonged to someone else. But i kept it anyway, i put it on my bag and went home.

I wanted to know whats inside the notebook. Hoping to know more about it's owner. I opened the first page without hesitation. The title was "HER STORY". I do respect her privacy but there's something pushing me to read more. It's like my conscience told me to keep going. And so, i did. I turned the book to it's second page and..... "what the!!!" Startled of what i just read that i accidentally dropped the book.The story was about me. On how i started my life on this planet. I don't know what i felt at that moment. It's like i was flattered and greatly stupefy at the same time. Trying to take the edge off, i continued reading. And there i read my life. Like she was really here every moment i spent on my days and even nights. Through my ecstatic and despairing moments. The notebook was thick so i decided to stop reading. Later on i felt so worried about myself. It gave me the heebie-jeebies thinking that maybe someone's watching me that very evening. I let it rest. Maybe i was caught on a stupid limbo.

Another morning came. I went to school thinking everything was perfectly fine. But then again I saw the girl. That mysterious girl who sat on the waiting shed, alone. She smiled at me like she expected me to come. Without hesitation, I confronted her hoping that she would enlightened me. But she just told one simple thing.."You know me very well. You may not see me often, but trust me, i'm here. I know you have a lot of questions. Just live, and answers will find it's way to you."

After telling me that, I looked deep in her eyes. It's like iv'e known her all my life. It didn't felt awkward at all. Later on, she told that she has to go and she has to take her notebook. I asked her where she was heading but she refused to state specific place and just said she'll go somewhere near. I didn't want her to leave yet. There's so much thing i wanna ask. She told me that i should go because i'm already late for school. I forgot i had a class that time. I gave her the notebook, and I quickly ran inside the school, panicking that i might end up absent on my first subject. I took one last glance at her but when i looked back, she was gone.

As i enter my classroom quietly, i noticed they were only few of them inside. I asked my classmate if the class was over but he said "Eh? Class don't start till 8am and it's still 7:30...

Well that was a relief. But i remembered talking to that girl like for an hour. How's that possible?

Days have passed. Not a shadow of the mysterious girl showed.

Weeks... Im still hoping to see her.

Months.. My hopes are beginning to dissipate.

Years... I barely remembered her face. But my confusion was never gone. It's already tattooed in my past. After my time comes to an end, i'm hoping that i could read that notebook again. Something I wanna do before departing to the other side. My story, written by someone I am not quite sure who. Someone who knows me very well but.... i don't even know her name. I know she's here. So near that I can say anything to her and I know she hears it. Somewhere, watching me. Waiting for my next chapter to come.

NO EMO.

Going to school each day has now become my daily burden. Walking through the halls and going to the canteen....alone. This happened for quite some time now. I don't have the time to bother my situation either. But the more I thought about it, the more confused i am as to why this happens to me. So i begun to analyze certain facts.

Last semester, friends that i usually go with at school are girls that are bisexuals. I know right? They admire people with their same sex *uugh~*. I'm not one of them by the way, that's fosho.

But now they are on a different schedule. Others already got their own set of friends. And i'm the only one that's left alone. *sobs* Anyway, now i only got friends during classes. A time where everybody's quiet and listens to the teacher. Though some of them do invited me on different hangouts, but i just don't know how to fit into their own languages. They're so mature. All they thought about were parties and sex. And i cannot relate to those kinds of stuffs, shizz. I also thought that some of them are homophobes. Maybe they thought that i'm gay and find it awkward talking to me. Or maybe they thought that i might actually court them one by one. Like SERIOUSLY???

*sighs* This issue made me so insensitive. It's just so hard to accept that i'm now a loner in my own school. This is not me. I even go to school late "on purpose" so that i won't have to wait for the class to start, alone. I don't even have a freakin' boyfriend!(ignore) Wait, am i getting dramatic here? NO. My life now is so much far from what i expected it to be. Im MONOPHOBIC for heaven's sake! Being alone is like death to me. A soul sucking monster that drags my inner reputation to infinity. :(

Geeeez, i wish i'm in a different school right now. To where my real friends at.